Life has been a series of beautiful experiences.
Seeds I planted years ago are beginning to bloom and I can’t lie, I am soul proud of the woman I’m becoming. Of course with all change and growth, there can sometimes be discomfort and boy-oh-boy have I had my fair share of discomfort during this season of growth. My most recent experience, a miscarriage, has taught me, 1) My body is amazing. This vessel is beautiful and strong and knows itself better than I think I do (or maybe ever will) 2) I have a support system like no other. My tribe radiates my vibe. My cup is never empty because I have the best people pouring into me. 3) I am in awe of this life.
I knew I was pregnant when my boobs started to feel like they were being held hostage against my chest and were desperate for detachment. I have NEVER felt such breast pain! I remember I trying to go to the gym and a couple of bounces on the treadmill had me running home for a heating pad. I took two tests, mostly because I didn’t believe the first one. haha. Both read positive. I was nervous and excited and definitely wanted that pregnancy to stick. My pregnancy ended pretty early. Just a few weeks. Sometimes I sit in awe of the attachment I developed within such a short time. Human beings are capable of some amazing things.
Because I have four Uterine Fibroids, I immediately thought they were the cause of the miscarriage, my Doctors have repeatedly told me that they aren’t so sure. The only way to really know or even begin planning a course of action/treatment, is for me to have a second miscarriage. Honestly, as harsh as it sounds, it makes sense. Only one of my fibroids is actually posing a risk (it’s submucosal which means it’s growing inside my uterine cavity) and the rest of them aren’t large enough to necessitate surgery. I’m learning that my body knows best. Sometimes, something just isn’t right. I won’t ever know why my baby didn’t stay inside me but I’m resolved in the knowledge that this isn’t the end. I’ll be a mommy someday. As for the unwelcome house guests in my uterus, I’m still trying to solve this holistically so I’ll keep you updated on that.
This miscarriage happened at the most inopportune time. I was just a week and a half from opening night of my debut performance here in Seattle. (stay posted for a blog post about my time with Seattle Rep x Public Works’ As You Like It soon) My friend Luljeta was visiting me for her birthday weekend. Life just seemed to be moving really quickly. I remember feeling very crampy the day before it happened. I was also extremely tired. More tired than I had been so far. Then, on August 27th after a couple of painful hours in the ER, it was all over. I can’t say that I would want to go through this again but I am thankful for the experience and what it has shown me in its wake. I know how strong I am. I know that I can handle whatever life throws at me.
I never expected to have to be strong in this way, but I am in awe of the women who have come before me and those who stand beside me in kinship of how tumultuous the ebb and flow of life can be especially when it comes to creating it.
As I move forward into this next chapter of my life, I am learning how to give myself grace. I feel so much more connected to this earth and my time here. I am grateful for this life and its many lessons.