February has been one of those months. The kind you wish would just finish already so that you can get your shit together. Don’t get me wrong, the month started very strong, I welcomed Black History Month 2018 with a trip to the National Museum of African American History and Culture (I’m still decompressing from that two-day visit and trying not to side-eye every white man, woman and child I see). I had some crazy out-of-body experience a few days after that where I sat at my desk, no shirt, boobs swaying in the wind, listening to Jazz and then eventually some 90’s dancehall. I drank glass after glass of wine and felt my fingers loosen like the mouth of your favorite problematic celebrity. I. Was. In. My. Zone. I even have some random footage from that night because something told me to document it.
I recently purchased a passion planner and pretty much spent the night and a few early hours of the morning plottin’ and plannin’. I wrote the shit out of my passion roadmap and even added dates and deadlines for upcoming blog posts, videos and other projects I wanted to get rolling. There were color coordinated goals and timelines. I felt strong and confident but more importantly, a fire had been ignited within me and I felt that shit burn all through the night. I wanted more and for the first time in a long time, I felt unstoppable. I had no limits to the things I could accomplish. It was like someone had taken over my body and was doing all the things I’ve been meaning to do. I thought about all the obstacles that kept preventing me from doing the things I wanted to do and actually laughed at how I would “show them” that you can’t keep me down. I went to bed with an early morning game plan and a nice buzz from the wine. I was writing out every detail of what I wanted and it felt good. Then I woke up.
Everything felt off when I opened my eyes the next day. I felt like I’d dreamt it all, a quick look at my passion Planner informed me that I had not. So why wasn’t I feeling all the inspiration from yesterday? Where was all my mojo? I decided to do the things I had planned for this day in hopes of the actions getting the ball rolling. Everything I tried, failed. I’m not being dramatic here. While trying to upload a new video to my YouTube channel, my internet kept cutting out, making it impossible so I put that project down and decided to schedule two blog posts instead, which was when I noticed that my blog was down and some features and content were not accessible, I have a pretty great designer that I use though so I contacted her and she got on it ASAP. Until she realized that she was unable to resolve the issue. So I contacted my site host. I went through 7 technicians (because my internet would cut out randomly during that chat) only to have each of them tell me that nothing was amiss on their end and that it was up to the designer. I spent a few hours trying to be the messenger between the two but gave up after very little success. They ended up resolving it the following day.
Normally, neither of these things would bother me so much. I would leave it to the powers that be and roll onto the next. However, I have been having quite a few of these “obstacles” pop up in my life and to me, the harder I try, the harder I fall. So I started thinking about what happened that night which lead me down this soul-searching path and the question that I kept coming back to was this, “What if you’re being stubborn? What if the Universe is telling you ‘No’ and you’re ignoring it?” This made me rethink everything. Regardless of the credits (which I do not have) my entire existence on planet earth thus far, I have banked on being a storyteller and performer. No matter the medium, I just want to tell stories, y’all. And for there to even be a thought that this may not be my own story, was earth-shattering.
A day later, I deleted my social media and went on hiatus from my blog and channel. I started talking to myself a lot. I started watching people more and listening deeper. Within the first day, I noticed how much time I spend on social media apps. I also noticed how much I allowed the lives of others to influence the way I felt about my own. I held some of these people as actual bars of success to which I could measure my own. I was pouring more into their lives than my actual own. That 90-minute YouTube rabbit hole I just went down? Could have used that time to film my own video or work on a new language. Something to better myself. All those likes I was flooding photos with? I could have been finding new and stronger ways to celebrate and care for myself. Y’all things I didn’t want to start making sense, started making sense and I couldn’t stop. It’s been about a month now and I have no more answers than I did when I started but I thought it would be interesting to document and share what’s been happening lately, as well as be able to look back at this and see what has changed.
Truthfully, I’m not ready to return to any of my social networks until I figure out where I’m going. It’s been refreshing to not hold myself to the standards of others. I think about my actions and inadvertently, my inactions, every day. I know that I am not the first nor the last person to go through this so I am anxious to be on the other side of this life moment. As much as I didn’t really plan or want to pull back from the world of timelines and the oversaturation of information, this detox has literally changed everything. I’m facing a pretty life-altering question at this time in my life and I need all of my focus and strength to be on myself because, honestly, If I’m not a storyteller, then who am I?