01/23/19

Visualizing L I E S

Every time I close my eyes,
I visualize another life.
One where anxiety and depression don’t eat me up inside.

Terrified of heights
and dog bites
but I’ll walk out into the dead of night
because
unfortunately being surrounded by darkness feels……..justright.

People say hi
and I smile and wave
because the funny thing about my sadness
is that it’s very well-behaved.

My depression is kind enough
to keep me “high functioning”,
I’m sure it knows I hate outwardly struggling.
So I paste on fake smiles,
and hand out high-fives,
and when anyone asks,
my answer is always, “I’m fine”.

Every time I close my eyes,
I visualize another life.
One where fear and insecurity don’t eat me up inside.

Is there something wrong with me?
Or am I just lazy?
Impatient with all the lessons
preceding my blessings.
Confused about the Universe’s message.
My cyclical questioning causing anxiety as a consequence,
never sharing my full truth because it’s easier to pretend.

Because every time I close my eyes,
I visualize my anxiety’s lies,
causing fear and depression to eat me up inside.
And as comfortable as the darkness feels,
living in its depths won’t help me heal,
and the half-truths I allow to loop in my mind aren’t real.
I’m getting tired of faking it til I make it.
Wish I could put my depression in a spaceship
and watch it disappear into that dark abyss.

Sometimes my days end
way before they start,
because surviving the hours behind a mask becomes to hard.
And the truth is,
my anxiety is ruthless.
And being curled up on the floor crying
makes me feel stupid,
even though I know I’m doing what I can to get through it.

Every time I close my eyes,
I visualize another life.
And the possibility
of being anxiety-free is why I continue to try…

Devonnie A. Black

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