Family

I apologize that I have been running from you.
I apologize for the rivers and lakes and state lines that fill the space between us.
I apologize for my silence, but
everything
has been so.damn.loud.

I apologize for the calls and texts that have been few and far between.
I apologize for the letters that never came.
I apologize for missing every birthday, milestone, laugh and tear.
I apologize for forgetting the strength in my veins and the pride in my name.
I apologize for making you think that this had anything to do with you.

I apologize for not coming to you when the weight of the world began to crush me,
but who amongst us has ever claimed to be perfect?
Who could stand in the middle of a sunny, mirror-lined room and not break from their own reflection?
There is too much truth in divesting myself of my worries to eyes and ears that resemble my own.
And I was not ready.

I apologize for the years that have caused me to grow up without you watching,
It seems, you are not ready for my change,
but it will come regardless of your preparedness.

I apologize for running but I will not apologize for taking the time to stand s t i l l.
I will not apologize for needing to break to grow stronger.
I will not apologize for suffering alone,
for not wrapping you in my darkness.
I have not learned yet,
how to be soft when standing in front of my mirrors.

-devonnie.

 

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