April Showers, Please Bring May Flowers

Here we are. The first day of a new month. You’re probably wondering how my month of unapologetic self-care went. Well, it was great. I think I successfully committed to trying to take care of myself. I focused on my breathing and doing small things that brought me joy like getting extra guacamole at chipotle and getting a gel manicure for my sausages. I even managed to perform a few times this month which made me realize that I need more of it. I need more creative outlets. However, my reduction of stress was not so successful. April was a month of painful discoveries for me. The first being that I have lost a total of 46 pounds over the past 3 months. I’m having mixed feelings about the weight loss as it wasn’t due to watching what I eat or aggressively attending the gym. I lost the weight strictly by being depressed. Depression has a funny way of either stealing your appetite or making you eat everything for no reason. I also lost quite a bit of my hair in the process but more on that at a later date.

I discovered that I am mentally and emotionally weaker than I have ever been in my short life. This is unfamiliar to me. Weakness. Not that I’m the strongest person in the world, I was just raised a certain way and even at most emotional, I still managed to keep a level head and find strength. I used to pride myself on my ability to be empathic without succumbing to the overwhelming and ever-fluctuating emotions of everyone around me, I believe this is why my friends tended to turn to me for advice or just a proper vent, in their own distress. These recent years seem to have broken that resolve a bit.

I learned that my normal tricks for getting my mood up are completely ineffective. Reading, watching movies, cooking…all of these things do little to nothing in lifting my mood. April was full of storm clouds and unrelenting rain. This has by far been the most difficult stage on my journey to mental wellness.

The best lesson I’ve learned from my April showers is still taking shape in me. And that would be that no matter how low, no matter how down or how drowned I am in despair, I want to live. I want more from this life and while I may not have the answers, but this realization has been the most comforting. It reminded me that for all the times I’ve fallen, I have given myself the chance to fall and fail again. I keep standing.

April has given me the confidence to ask for help and time to work on myself. I’ve found strength in the darkness. April wasn’t the huge success I had imagined but its showers will definitely help me to bloom.

 

-devonnie.

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